In a time of darkness, when Hope seemed to have gone out for a pack of smokes and ended up on a boat to China, when television seemed to have become nothing more than an ad delivery service, when the most flawed candidate in the history of our state seemed like a credible threat, well, in those days the people of Michigan finally got a chance to have their say.
Vote, people, and get your friends, relatives and total strangers to do the same.
Greetings Comrades! Today is a glorious day for all by my proclamation! All will be happier, wealthier with whiter teeth on Chairman Dickie Amway China Magic Sign Day! Actually, none will be wealthier or have whiter teeth except Chairman Dickie and the party leaders, but all will be happier in our great wealth and not mind if their own teeth crumble for lack of health care.
The crack team at CHUDD has produced these patriotic and inspirational signs that all soliders in the Dick Devos Army of Cultural Devolution are requested to display with proud immediacy alongside the mandatory picture of Chairman Dickie, their Amway China Collectible Bear and their Amway Dick Action Figure with karate job-chopping action!
Wacko Zacko has fallen into a poll-induced coma and has yet to get his links o’ the day up for today This just in! In the Official Amway Guy poll of 1 likely voter, I WIN* with 100% of the vote – in your FACE, pollsters!! (*+/- 100%)
Over at the Pound Puppies Fan Club, Cordelia Lear is outraged over Saul’s latest pack of lies tying Granholm to people she doesn’t even know and Devos to people he gives money to.
Liberal Lulu says we should fight for our children. I would, I would, it’s just that my face is so deep in the Trough of Tax Breaks that I can’t see them any more!
Greetings inhabitants of Earth 7723-Q. I am The Disembodied Head of Another Dick Devos, summoned here by the outrageous venality and baseness of your Dick Devos. I should explain that my world and my Dick Devos are quite different than yours. In my world “Mr. Dick” is beloved by all as a philanthropist and champion for social justice. His crowning achievement is an organization called “Amway” though which better-off people at the top of the pyramid seek to enrich the lives of their less fortunate “downline” by helping them in all ways to reach their full potential as human beings. I am told that your Earth’s Amway is more concerned with soap.
“Mr. Devos, if you have a beef with me, bring it on, I can take it. Use my name. But let’s leave the names of deceased children out of this,” Granholm said. “But if you’re determined to pick a fight, I hope you pick on someone your own size.”
Devos did not respond to that challenge during the debate, but said afterward that some of these children who died were the responsibility of the state, and it was the fault of the administration that they lost their lives.
“They deserve the dignity to have their names mentioned,” he said.
This caused something inside the Disembodied Head of your Disembodied Head of Dick Devos to snap. He began screaming “Yes, by all means, let’s dignify their tragic deaths by dragging them and their families and friends through the media! And can we get a photo-op with one of the little tricycles that they will never ride again … to add more dignity??!!”
Your Head then set to meddling with complex machinery and somehow tore a hole in space and time, summoning me here. I gave him a tricycle which seems to have calmed him down.
Now I am a gentle Head, not given to harsh words or judgement, but let me say that I am appalled by the actions of your Dick Devos. Using dead children or adults as political poker chips is frankly ghoulish and so far from “Governor-like” as to be utterly beyond my comprehension. To suggest that this cheap political trick somehow lends “dignity” to their memories … I suspect there are not the words for it in my world OR yours.
Your world is strange and frightens me, but I will remain here for a short while to answer questions and eat some deep fried cheese sticks, which are forbidden in my world. Besides, your Disembodied Head appears quite taken with his new tricycle and will likely be unavailable for most of the day.
Forbes Magazine has some other billionaire Halloween masks. For some reason I found this one in the dumpster. I think there’s nothing scarier than Dick Devos and that the vampire really evokes my plans for Michigan and gives a big shout-out to all those in Amway’s downline that Dick Devos drained of money!
AT LAST IT CAN BE TOLD!! The true story of how the New York Yankees, the Greatest Lineup in Baseball History was laid low by one Head, one Curse, one Plan for Michigan!
Last week Michigan’s beloved Detroit Tigers (at least that’s what the pollsters tell me) appeared to be all washed up. When Michigan Republican candidate for Governor Dick Devos sees a problem, he doesn’t think, he just jumps right in and says he’s disappointed about it! That still might not have been enough, but one of the bright boys down at CHUDD came up with the idea of REVERSING the polarity on the famous “Curse of the Amway Guy“, the terrible hex that Dick Devos is able to throw on sports teams through nothing more than showing up at the game and schmoozing for votes! The Curse nearly ended the Tigers’ season and turned the MSU Spartans into a Pop Warner football team, but would it be enough to take down the Yankees sky-high payroll?
Since I’m inable to think for myself, I decided it sounded like a splendid idea! I changed my name to protect myself from the rumored Disembodied Head of George Steinbrenner and went on the road to visit hallowed Yankee Stadium. Die-hard New York Yankee fans were a bit stand-offish at first, but when I showed them my plans for Michigan and Detroit, they warmed right up to me!
I think I laid it on a little thick Wednesday night, causing a rainout and almost getting hit by lightning. On Thursday, I increased my elevation to 900 feet and concentrated on how disappointed I was that the people of Michigan can’t stop talking about all the bad things Dick Devos has done. That worked great, except for when Johnny Damon got a home run because I had to flee a swarm of pigeons who thought I was a bag of popcorn.
On Friday, I was all for returning to Michigan and watching the game at Comerica Park, but everyone at CHUDD started screaming, crying and carrying on so much about “bad mojo transferrence” and “negative downtalking vibes” that they were able to convince me to remain hovering over Yankee Stadium. I did get to listen to most of the game by following a traffic copter around (until they mistook me for the Disembodied Head of Joe Lieberman and flew off). I was amazed to find out that in addition to being a great singer, that Kenny Rogers is a pretty good pitcher too!
I spent the day Saturday just taking in the sights of the Big Apple. The Billionairess and I go there a lot, but usually we’re shopping for shoes with Condi or attending some fancy Republican fundraiser or something. I really enjoyed myself just hanging around with the common folk, at least until they scrambled the fighter jets to chase me away from Lady Liberty. I disguised myself as a little black raincloud let my love rain down on “The House that Lt Gov Candidate Ruth Johnson Built”. Towards the end of the game, I figured that even my incredible powers of game-hexing wouldn’t be enough to turn the tide and zipped back to Detroit to catch the last inning. Then Joel Zumaya spotted me after the Posada home run and drove me off with a hail of 103 MPH fastballs.
So Michigan, forget about Jim Leyland and the gutsy Tigers, the real credit for this win goes to the Disembodied Head of Dick Devos and the Curse of Amway Guy! And Oakland A’s fans and the rest of America: Fear Me … but be my friend on MySpace!
I was folding my laundry when the phone rang. It was a robo-call in a woman’s voice talking about how “disappointed” she was in Granholm’s performance of the debate last night. The tone was supposed to sound like she was a Granholm supporter who “just felt let down.” There was no mention of DeVos, no mention of who paid for the call, the Caller ID said “Unknown Caller.” Unfortunately, I wasn’t at my answering machine or I would have taped it.
The vast majority of voters who never saw the debate would have no basis to doubt the caller’s points. Has any one else gotten this call? I am in the Grand Rapids area.
OK. Louise? First off, you are a dog. I know the Democrats want EVERYONE to have a vote, but this is ridiculous. Second, some folks may wonder how we could have found a person who was “disappointed” with Granholm’s performance so fast, gotten her on tape and fed it to the robocall program, all in less than 14 hours after the debate ended. Here’s how the boys down at CHUDD explained it to me: The woman on the phone isn’t an actual Granholm supporter or even a Devos supporter. In fact, she’s not a woman at all – she’s a ROBOT! Part of the Dick Devos Robot Army!
Pretty innovative, huh? We cut out that whole bothersome “working with humans” thing and go straight to the robots. Their reaction speed is many hundreds of times that of a human being AND they work for the kind of wages that Dick Devos likes to pay!
Right now we just have them making phone calls based upon Devos campaign buzzwords like “disappointment”,”doom, “despair” and “hopelessness” but I’m told that soon will be able to have them perform all sorts of tasks on the behalf of the campaign.
Fear me!
Update! Someone over at The Jennifer Granholm Fan Club taped the Robot Army in action. I was disappointed that there was no mayhem. Memo to scientists: version 2.0 must have mayhem!
This came in on the morning download from a deep-cover CHUDD operative stationed with the Michigan Caucus. Haven’t had time to watch all of it but it looks like it’s targeted toward the young folk with their crazy dancing and cubicle jobs. Vote for me, youngsters, I’ll let you ride on my boat!
The boys at CHUDD sent this over. Couldn’t figure it out so I pasted pictures of Michigan’s governors on it … and Mariah Carey and Norah Jones .. Mariah & Norah don’t make things any clearer for me, but it’s prettier! Notice how I managed to fit their popular albums (Mariah Carey’s self titled debut & Norah Jones’ Feels Like Home) in between Michigan’s unemployment rate and the national unemployment rate. I asked the Billionairess for a star for staying inside the lines but she just looked at me.
The numbers at the right might have something to do with the gubernatorial head elevation. Maybe.
Had to add this Do you SEE the huge gap that Job Loss Jenny Granholm has opened? It’s almost unprecidented in Michigan history! Except for that thing in the early 90s, but that was the failed legacy of Democratic governor James Blanchard and Michigan Do-Nothing Democrat legislature’s fault as I remember things. Took Big John Engler quite a few years to sort THAT mess out let me tell you.
Harr me mateys! Today be Talk Like a Pirate Day and I be having such fun with it that I, the Disembodied Head of Dick Devos, Captain of the Amway and Scourge of the Five Lakes do name tomorrow, September 20th, the first ever National Campaign Like a Pirate Day in honor of the scurvy crew of the HMS Florida and election-stealing pirates everywhere!
Captain Dick, Black Betsy, Ruthless Ruth Johnson, Slippery John Truscott and the rest of me gang of black-hearted rogues will be spreading dubloons from one end of the Michigan Main to the other, and we won’t rest ’till any who dare oppose us are walking the plank, dancing from the yardarm or on the jolly boat for China!
So sharpen up your cutlasses (or Diebold key), hoist the mainsail and set a course for Lansing … or anywhere else there’s votes to be plundered!!
Last week Michigan’s beloved Detroit Tigers (at least that’s what the pollsters tell me) appeared to be all washed up. When Michigan Republican candidate for Governor Dick Devos sees a problem, he doesn’t think, he just jumps right in and says he’s disappointed about it! That still might not have been enough, but one of the bright boys down at 
The Disembodied Head of Dick Devos 
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