Archive for the ‘detroit tigers’ Category

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It came from beyond…

November 7, 2006

Attack of the Killer Heads

In a time of darkness, when Hope seemed to have gone out for a pack of smokes and ended up on a boat to China, when television seemed to have become nothing more than an ad delivery service, when the most flawed candidate in the history of our state seemed like a credible threat, well, in those days the people of Michigan finally got a chance to have their say.

Vote, people, and get your friends, relatives and total strangers to do the same.

Michigan’s future isn’t for sale.

UPDATES GALORE:

Ominous music to hum on Election Day!

Kos Posted with a Kattle Kart o’ Komments!!

Michigan Liberal with a … multitude of meh???!!!

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News Release: How Dick Devos will pay for Michigan tax cuts

October 22, 2006

How Dick Devos will pay for Michigan tax cuts

There has been great consternation and outcry in radio and television, asking “Mr. Dick DeVos, how the heck are you going to pay for the $3.5 billion or more in tax cuts you are promising?

Actually, nobody seems to be asking that but IN CASE THEY DO, let me say loudly and unequivocally: This is all the Governor’s fault. Granted, Job-loss Jenny’s failed policies did not directly cause the implosion of the auto industry. Apparently skyrocketing retirement costs, lower labor costs in other states and countries, and competition from companies who weren’t focusing everything on making and marketing gigantic gas hogs did that. Still, nobody can deny that our Gal Governor DID fail miserably in replacing the tens of thousands of jobs lost in the auto industry and related sectors.

What’s more, our Liberal Leader Lady has some sort of “plan” in place. She is saying things like “In five years, you’re going to be blown away by the strength and diversity of Michigan’s transformed economy.” (1) and “In this first round of funding, 500 companies applied … 500 companies who want to come to Michigan and to grow in Michigan and hire tens of thousands of people in Michigan in areas that won’t be outsourced. And so my friends, we are thrilled with how this economic plan is working.“(2)

Blown away? Thrilled? Is this the kind of optimism Michigan needs? Heck no! Four years to recover from the collapse of Michigan’s #1 industry since 1939 is four years too long! We can’t afford to wait – we require immediate results. We also require everyone to be as upset and pessimistic about the future as possible. It would also be nice if the Detroit Tigers lost the baseball series quickly so that our campaign can get maximum mileage out of our “empty Comerica Park” ads. (3) You could also all buy some soap.
In conclusion and and addressing once and for all how Dick Devos will pay for his tax cuts I want to say: Read my lips, it’s the Governor’s fault!

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Footnotes…

(1) 2006 State of the State Address
http://www.michigan.gov/gov/0,1607,7-168-39899—,00.html

(2) Actual speech at the 2006 MDP Convention
https://secure2.convio.net/gfg/video/Convention_JMG.mov or
http://www.granholmforgov.com/site/PageServer?pagename=convention2006

(3) “Go” Tigers! Empty Comerica Park:
See “Twice” on http://www.devosforgovernor.com/Multimedia/VLog/
and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfNLDeMwIG8

(4) I know that after all this, your big question is: Where the heck can I get myself a tricked out flying typewriter like yours??!!

See the ad referenced above from YouTube.

Media Coverage of this Momentous Announcement

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Liveblogging Debate #3: Dick Devos vs. Jennifer Granholm

October 17, 2006

Scary Debate 3 Starring Dick Devos
I think the first thing the public saw at the third Michigan Gubernatorial Debate from Dick Devos was a bold new look, a look that said “I have glasses, I’m smart.” My handlers agreed that they made me look like a Goober, which is a clear step toward gubernatorial. Look for more exciting initiatives soon! Then there was some cheering for the local baseball club. Baseball? What’s the deal with that? Give me a rousing game of Jarts any day.

The Governor said she’d enact her 21st Century Jobs Fund as the one piece of legislation she’d pick to turn Michigan around. Then she challenged me to stop using the images of dead children for my commercials and to “pick on somebody my own size”. A low blow for sure as I believe size is judged by your works and my works at Amway and elsewhere are quite unique. Then I answered the actual question ’cause I’m not gonna dodge the tough questions and said I would adopt my economic plan that I put forth. It has 134 specific ideas ranging from #37: Keep sharp pencils AWAY from eyes to #113: Chinese workers will work for 1/50th of what a Michigan worker will. Food for thought, people! I also hammered the Gov for investing in research. Bunch of pointy-head geeks in a lab – like THAT ever produced anything.

Then Steven Clark asked me if I was insulted by being compared to George Bush in the morph ad. Hell yes! I mean no. I didn’t specifically mention That Guy in the White House by name (if I can’t show pictures of dead children, then she shouldn’t be able to mention him) but nobody should be insulted by being compared to any President. Except that guy. The Gov suggested that free trade agreements and a Bush Administration that is not standing up for our automotive sector are the root. She also said I have been one of George Bush’s biggest financial backers and personally lobbied for the passage of these free trade agreements that have so devastated Michigan’s economy. Well, true, but that’s not the point. The point is that companies in OTHER states are doing fine. The Governor’s saying that Michigan is the only state in the country that’s the automotive capital of the world, that it’s not “rocket science” as to why Michigan is uniquely challenged. I say “TOUGH!” – quit whining about Ford, GM & Chrysler all being in Michigan – you should have thought of that before you ran for Governor!

Then a bunch of people emailed that “they don’t trust Dick Devos” and “Dick Devos is trying to buy his way into the Governorship”. As a citizen of Michigan I would find insulting if someone suggested I could be bought. Sure, I’m spending more than any candidate ever has in Michigan, but that’s just because I’m rich and accustomed to buying anything I want. I then cite the Detroit News. I love that paper.

Wshew. Softball on smoking question. Dick Devos supports choice on smoking. Appeal to everyone, say nothing. The Gov then tries to shift the focus to healthcare. Dodging the softball and answering a harder question, typical. She asks me about my plan, so I shift the focus and attack her. Anyone see a pattern? Question > Governor Answer > Rebuttal > Attack Governor > Check Fly > Repeat.

The Jobs Killing SBT comes up. The Gov has some “plan” for replacing it and then attacks my $1 or $2 billion dollar hole I’d leave. I say “gross receipts tax” and “gross profits tax” and “replace the revenue”. That sounds like a plan to me! She then attacks me for incorporating my subsidiaries in Bermuda to avoid paying US taxes. I am profoundly disappointed. Not answering or refuting, but very disappointed.

Then it’s time for the voters to talk with us. We are instructed to stay behind our podiums for the safety of all. A woman says her family business and schools are struggling. Hey, I have a family business too! I point out that she’s never had the struggles that business people like us have faced. I can identify with this woman! I transformed a multi-million dollar company (Amway) into a slightly smaller multi-million dollar company (Alticor).

Then a young woman asks the Gov what she’s going to do about college education. She talks about her increased Merit scholarship, standards increases and then says she inherited a $4 billion budget deficit from my predecessor and had to cut more out of state government than any governor in the history of Michigan. Hello? Yesterday! I accuse her of cutting from education. I am not at all clear on this inherited $4 billion budget deficit thing. She asks how I will cut money and increase investment.

Then some guy asks about trash from Canada. I am opposed to trash dumping. I blame the Governor. She blames the Feds. I say “we need to go to Washington to get things done”. Dick Devos knows Washington and how to get things done there. It’s a complex thing involving briefcases and drop points and lots and lots of junkets. Junkets for junk! Then she talks about the Interstate Commerce Clause in the Constitution and says raise fees and increase recycling. I attack her for a drop in recycling. I don’t answer HOW I will get it done, but I will get it done. Trust me.

Next is a question about education funding. The Gov talks about investing in K-12 is at record levels and making sense of health care through her Michigan First health care initiative. She also asks me how I will balance the budget. Hello? Balanced budget? I say the K-12 system is suffering and struggling. I tout my involvement in K-12 education. She comes back and attacks me on my involvement in the voucher movement and says that even now I am investing in the voucher movement in seven other states. True, but not in Michigan … yet.

Then I proceed to whomp the Gov’s butt on manufacturing. She says she’ll reduce the Personal property tax by 35% but I say it’s gotta be all of it. Not gonna tell you how I’ll pay for it. Think of it as a “tax surprise party”.

The next topic is Detroit, she points out a lot of specific things like Tech Town and Next Energy, investing in affordable housing, cost of insurance. I say education is the key. People argued, the Governor did nothing. She then asks if I would support a reinstatement of the inheritance tax for the 800 wealthiest families in the state so that that funding can go to hire police and fire firefighters. Yeah, that’s me. Not gonna dignify that with a response.

We then offer our closing statements. I go first and attack, attack, attack and rain doom and gloom on Michigan. I point to less police officers on the street, totally unaware that the Federal policing grant is the reason. It’s not my job to know facts, it’s my job to be the Promiser!

Governor Granholm closes with “There are tremendous, large contrasts in this race. Large contrasts. I’m somebody who has fought for you, for all citizens. He’s somebody who has stood on the other side of the things I’ve fought for. I’ve fought to create jobs here and diversify our economy here in Michigan—he’s eliminated 1400 jobs in Michigan when he was CEO of Amway. I’ve fought the policies of outsourcing and unfair trade of George Bush. He’s George Bush—one of George Bush’s biggest backers and has supported those unfair trade practices that have hurt us. I went to Asia to bring home 22 companies, 1000 jobs and $200 million in investment—he went to Asia and invested $200 million and created thousands of jobs there.”

She says I’m George Bush when in fact it’s easy to tell the difference between Dick Devos and Dubya.

I win – 3 for 3, baby! I’m like the Dimaggio Ordonez of debating! MVP!!

Some Debate Links (for the masochists)

  • Granholm – DeVos 3rd debate transcription Kommie Kittie turns my own words against me.
  • Outside it’s America: 3rd Debate Links Whacko Zacko DID watch Wife Swap but has all the links. Crap, if I had known I could just read or watch it today, I could have too. The Trackback Zack then disses the Detroit News for writing: “What’s the problem with cutting another $1 billion in the budget to attract more jobs to Michigan with lower business taxes if she already has cut $4 billion in a $41 billion budget?” saying “Gee, what’s a billion here, a billion there?” I don’t get it either. A billion here, billion in Bermuda. It’s only money people and have plenty of it. If the state comes up short, I’m sure we can find some places to cut. Schools, roads, police, who cares. The important thing is to CUT TAXES FOR DICK DEVOS AND HIS RICH FRIENDS!
  • The Michigan Moderate Militia has the full debate transcript (boring!) Flight Commander Ferguson says “Word on the street is that Amway Guy walked away pissed after taking questions about him using the names of deceased children in his attacks. Supposedly he hit or punched the car as he was getting in.” Yeah. The Governor attacks me for dragging dead children through the mud. If we can’t use dead children in our attack ads, then this isn’t the America Dick Devos wants.
  • Christine Barry went toe-to-toe with Raging Bullard himself. I’m not kidding, he’s “Raging Bullard” with a little De Niro guy and everything. It’s kind of sweet, really. Christine sums up my platform well: “If you want a Governor who is going to gut Michigan and declare every man for himself, then you should vote for DeVos.”
  • The Isabella County Democratic Party says Last Two Minutes Wins Governor Re-Election. I wasn’t aware that Diebold was a Democrat donor. Zing!

Fear the Head, people!

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Dick Devos Beats the Yankees!

October 8, 2006

Dick Devos Amway Guy Curse Bombs the NY Yankees

AT LAST IT CAN BE TOLD!! The true story of how the New York Yankees, the Greatest Lineup in Baseball History was laid low by one Head, one Curse, one Plan for Michigan!

Dick in a Spartan Hat - GO BLUE!! :pLast week Michigan’s beloved Detroit Tigers (at least that’s what the pollsters tell me) appeared to be all washed up. When Michigan Republican candidate for Governor Dick Devos sees a problem, he doesn’t think, he just jumps right in and says he’s disappointed about it! That still might not have been enough, but one of the bright boys down at CHUDD came up with the idea of REVERSING the polarity on the famous “Curse of the Amway Guy“, the terrible hex that Dick Devos is able to throw on sports teams through nothing more than showing up at the game and schmoozing for votes! The Curse nearly ended the Tigers’ season and turned the MSU Spartans into a Pop Warner football team, but would it be enough to take down the Yankees sky-high payroll?

Don’t worry A-Rod, Dick Devos will run for President!Since I’m inable to think for myself, I decided it sounded like a splendid idea! I changed my name to protect myself from the rumored Disembodied Head of George Steinbrenner and went on the road to visit hallowed Yankee Stadium. Die-hard New York Yankee fans were a bit stand-offish at first, but when I showed them my plans for Michigan and Detroit, they warmed right up to me!

I think I laid it on a little thick Wednesday night, causing a rainout and almost getting hit by lightning. On Thursday, I increased my elevation to 900 feet and concentrated on how disappointed I was that the people of Michigan can’t stop talking about all the bad things Dick Devos has done. That worked great, except for when Johnny Damon got a home run because I had to flee a swarm of pigeons who thought I was a bag of popcorn.

Disembodied Head of Joe Lieberman ... with lasersOn Friday, I was all for returning to Michigan and watching the game at Comerica Park, but everyone at CHUDD started screaming, crying and carrying on so much about “bad mojo transferrence” and “negative downtalking vibes” that they were able to convince me to remain hovering over Yankee Stadium. I did get to listen to most of the game by following a traffic copter around (until they mistook me for the Disembodied Head of Joe Lieberman and flew off). I was amazed to find out that in addition to being a great singer, that Kenny Rogers is a pretty good pitcher too!

Dick Devos of Amway Tours New York CityI spent the day Saturday just taking in the sights of the Big Apple. The Billionairess and I go there a lot, but usually we’re shopping for shoes with Condi or attending some fancy Republican fundraiser or something. I really enjoyed myself just hanging around with the common folk, at least until they scrambled the fighter jets to chase me away from Lady Liberty. I disguised myself as a little black raincloud let my love rain down on “The House that Lt Gov Candidate Ruth Johnson Built”. Towards the end of the game, I figured that even my incredible powers of game-hexing wouldn’t be enough to turn the tide and zipped back to Detroit to catch the last inning. Then Joel Zumaya spotted me after the Posada home run and drove me off with a hail of 103 MPH fastballs.

So Michigan, forget about Jim Leyland and the gutsy Tigers, the real credit for this win goes to the Disembodied Head of Dick Devos and the Curse of Amway Guy! And Oakland A’s fans and the rest of America: Fear Me … but be my friend on MySpace!

Old English D, New Money D!