Dick Devos: The Unauthorized BiographyOctober 2, 2006
A lot of people are asking “Who is Dick Devos?”, “Why do we know so little about Dick Devos?” and “How come Dick Devos isn’t doing time in Jackson?”
If you would like to read more, click read more, but if not, just know in your heart of hearts that Dick Devos is just the kind of silver-spooned, scion of a billionaire that Michigan needs to get us through these tough days. Failing that, he promises to loan us money at easy terms.In an effort to answer some of the questions being raised, Disembodied Productions with a generous in-kind donation from Google search offers:
The Pre-debate Primer to the Man, the Myth, the Legend that is Dick Devos
Dick Devos was born in Grand Rapids in October 21, 1955 into a struggling family who was trying to get a business venture they called Amway off the ground. Times were tough and little Dick never got that Playstation he wanted.
In 1974, just days after his 19th birthday, he was forced by circumstance to take a job sweeping floors at Amway. His father Richard Sr (pictured right either approving transfer of a bunch of jobs to China or from his brief but critically acclaimed show on Japanese TV Your World with Rich Devos), demanded he sweep floors so that years later, when running for Governor, he could say “I had to sweep floors”. Off the record, Richard Devos Sr. was heard to remark “sweeping floors was about all Dick was qualified to do”.
Editor’s Note: We have received a letter from Amway lawyers saying that Richard Sr. never actually said that Dick was qualified to sweep floors, at least not where the likes of us could have heard it.
Editor’s Note 2: We have received a second letter from Amway lawyers saying that they didn’t send us the first letter, so we’ll let the above stand.
“Plucky Dick” as he was known worked his way tirelessly up the ladder to the position of “Rich Devos’s Idiot Son”, sometimes working grueling 8 or 9 hour shifts in which he shuffled piece after piece of paper, sometimes working deep into the afternoon and having to arrive late to trips on his yacht.
Somewhere in those heady days he met Betsy Prince who came from a likewise deprived upbringing as heiress to the Prince Controls fortune. They
merged were married in a different-sexed wedding ceremony and had some children who do not appear in this story. Except for Rich III who registered devosforpresident.com in 2004. Just in case.
Where were we? Oh yes, with his new wife and barely enough money to make the payments on the third home in Macatawa, Dick decided to strike out on his own in 1989 and form the Windquest Group, a collection of companies that manufactured and marketed closet organizers.
Editor’s Note 3: Numerous suggestions involving closets and same-sex marriage were discarded as somehow lacking in the tone of solemn dignity we are striving for here. (as if that picture is)
Then, in 1991 came his big chance: the Presidency of the Orlando Magic basketball team. Shortly after his arrival, his shrewd business acumen paid off in the form of the NBA lottery spitting out the #1 pick that became Shaquille O’Neil. You can’t blame him for the Magic losing O’Neil because Dick left in two years to rejoin Amway.
Editor’s Note 4: Any suggestion that Dick Devos can only keep a job for about 2 years is totally unintentional.
Upon his return to Amway, this time as President, Dick oversaw the corporate restructuring that created Alticor (which became Amway’s parent) and Quixtar (which became its bastard child from an affair with the Internet). Roughly 1400 Michigan workers were restructured out of a job and (through the Miracle of Transjobstantiation) their jobs were re-created in China.
In 2002, having
done all the damage he could do and leaving a trail of desolation in his wake accomplished everything he set out to do, Dick retired to sail some more on his yacht. And pour millions into a campaign against public schools. Somewhere in those happy days he (and the Billionairess) decided that it was time to deal with Granholm’s relentless job-losing. Actually, this was in 2004. But let’s pretend it was later so the story holds together.
Then there was a bunch of name-calling by the governor and some idiot in the Devos Campaign agreed to this debate and here we are.
Editor’s Note: In the spirit of Wikipedia, this entry will function as Dickipedia 1.0 and our user community will be able to suggest revisions to make it more accurately reflect the man, the myth, the urban legend that is Dick Devos.